There is a Disquieting Spirit Inside of Me

“Hungering and thirsting for more disturbs complacency induces a blessed state of disquiet, and propels our unending exploration into the Mystery of God in Christ. Accepting no substitutes for what we really want.” Ruthless Trust  pg 103

There is a disquieting spirit inside of me. An unsettling. Almost anxious at times.  Not being able to come to grips with that buried so deep. (Why is it that we ourselves are hardest to understand?)
There is something of an echo, a voice, a word or phrase inside that can not find it’s path out. So it claws on my heart, and growls at my soul fighting for space. The shifting and turning within is uncomfortable at best. Crushing at times. Leaving me wounded. Mourning. Broken.. What is it that is in there?
As a mother baring a child, starting off ever so small, knowing something magical is taken place inside of her. As the child grows movement begins. An Arm here. A foot there. Maybe even hiccups. But the baby is not removed. It is not time. It is in the fullness of time that the baby will be brought forth. (Not counting the critical issues that do arise.)  The Mother knows something is different about her. She knows something is alive. The mother feels the stirring. The Movement. The Life inside.. And so do I.. There is something inside to be birthed. Something not of the Flesh, but of the spirit.
This something of the Spirit, is a live in me. It needs to be fed. It has to be nurtured. It must make room, pushing out all that is trying to occupy it’s space. So it stretches. It Kicks. A Heel poking up there.
It pushes, hand coming thru over there. You see the palm, the fist. You know it’s alive. Just not sure what it looks like. Ideas race thru the imagination.  Things grandeur. Better.  Yes, even More! It is Spiritual!
It is God. It is completely other. Mixed with humanness. Born of the Spirit. Clothed in Flesh.  “And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes” Ezekiel 36:27
Jesus said,  “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”
   God is about new birth… Change. “Old things have passed away behold all things become new.”   He sends forth His Spirit in to our inner most being. “Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father” Galatians 4:6
     It is when this Infinite comes into our finite, that the pulling, kicking and pushing will occur.  What the spirit is birthing in us, craves.  It is jealous.. Longing to have sole ownership. It Craves. Eating up all our energy. Depleting us of our self-worth, and self-sufficiencies, we Hunger. We Thirst. Nothing will satisfy this, something completely other, spirit. The Spirit is hunting.. It is prowling.. Roaming to and fro.  Seeking! Searching!  Its hunger stirs us to want. The Soul growls for food. Our mouths draw tight, parched. We must have more. We hunger!

“Blessed are those that Hunger and Thirst for righteousness, they shall be filled.” 
    Yes, we want to be filled. Tired of emptiness. Hollowness… We live Shallow lives. Malnourished. Strong at times in our Flesh, ever so frail in our Spirits. Like glass, if dropped we would break.
The growl of the hunger pains grow. The sounds rumble from inside.. We have in times past drowned it out with the sounds of our TV’s,, Music, Friends and Games. We have Aborted so much which God has breathed into us for the sake of entertainment, friendship, and relaxation. We have sold our birthrights for quick meal, fix. An Easy pleasure. (Hebrews 12:16)
But not this time. Not Now! No More… It Stops here. “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.”  Let us cast aside our desires, put down our TV remotes, let us come to the Bread of Life and eat of His flesh. Let us feast on His goodness. “For he prepares us a table before our enemies. Our Cups runneth over.” So, Let us drink from His cup, drawn from the well to deep for us to reach.
     “Blessed are those that hunger and thirst after righteousness, they shall be filled.”
So, “let us not become weary.” “Let us press on to that High Calling.”  Let us drink from the well of Christ, from this well come rivers of living water, flowing from our inner most being.
“Hungering and thirsting for more disturbs complacency, induces a blessed state of disquiet, and propels our unending exploration into the Mystery of God in Christ. Accepting no substitutes for what we really want.” There is a Disquieting Spirit inside of me…


The Howling, Call of the Wild

“The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” Romans 8:26

Ever been up early, or maybe stay up late; you are out in the country, on a lake, away from all distractions and technology and you hear a coyote howling? You hear the sharp tones. The vocal rattles, then fades into minor notes. At times you hear several screaming out. What is their focus? Crying out to each other?  The moon? Is it a Warning? Is it out of Pain and Anguish? Resentment, that they are stuck to the ground and the Heavens bask in Glory above them?
Does their scream cut thru your soul? The hairs on your next or arms stand straight? Are you brought to alert? Is your spirit awakened to what is going on?
Do you hide? Are you scared? Thoughts plague your mind, “are they hunting?” “Am I their Prey?”
Do you sit in silence; breathing in what is being spoken? Does your soul sing out with them? Are you caught up in the moment, or does it pass you by?
I hear a distant cry. A Faint howl. It grows louder, and I don’t know if it is me getting closer to the call, or the call coming closer to my ears. Something draws my attention to it. This is not just a one time howl or cry. At times has repeating echoes. At times in a pack. Others, it’s the lone cry, shriek, of the individual crying out. Are they angry? Hurt? Lonely? Is it sorrow that floods their soul?  What pushes within so hard that one must rare back their head and let out that which is birthed so deep within, with “groanings to deep for words?”
I listen. I take in. I ponder. The howling is not from the outside. It is from the depths of my soul. I hear it.  The distance is no distance at all, but my heart turning, hearing, what the Spirit is saying.

    The cry that awakens my flesh and Soul, is birthed from the Spirit with in. It is when I hear the sound of Heaven. See the glory of the Unseen, I look up to the Moon and Stars, and realize I am planted on earth, I cry out for immortality. Sometimes as a sorrowful cry. Other times a joyous rampart mixed with the cries of others. Our Screams come from the hurts and pains of this sin ridden earth.
The groanings come when Spirit touches this mud and clay form, for we know that we are totally incomplete, and we long for so much more.

Romans 8: “creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.

Do you hear the Call? Do you hear the Spirit’s Voice from with in? Is it slight mellow howl? Is it a Long vicious Cry? Is your spirit longing for this body of sin to be put off, so that your full nature of who we are in Christ will be Revealed?
I have heard the call of the wild. My heart cries out.  I sing out my song of redemption. I hunt for those that they too wish to be set free. This pack I now run with is not made to be house trained. It is beyond the walls, in the woods, the barren land, and the rocky slopes, I roam. Calling out, not just to the Moon reflecting the Glory of the Son, or the stars in their glory, but to those that have ears to hear what the Spirit is saying.  Those who are crying out in pain. Torn in soul. Hurting. Lost! Helpless!  They are crying out. They are Howling at the Moon. They see the Glory up above, they lash out no knowing how to grasp it. I too cry and mourn with them. I come to the call. I answer it and respond.
To some it is scary. They hide, not knowing what it means. Fearful of the dreaded sounds. Sharp piercing tones. Dull flats reverberating, Noise to their untrained ears. Ungodly as it may seem, this is born of the spirit.  This is how the Spirit helps us. This is intercession. To stand and listen is to observe. Answer the Call of the Wild. Run with the Spirit of God. Heaven is waiting. Do you hear your Savior Calling? “Our redemption draws nigh.”

As Rich Mullins wrote :
And I can hear the wild wind howling
And I can feel it in my bones
And I know that the howling will take me home

I can see some traveller’s footprints
There’s a little bit of blood in every step he made
I wonder what kind of burden he’s bearing
That has cut him so deeply every step along the long, long way
In the west I see an evening
This scarlet thread stretched beneath the gathering dark
Red as the blood on the hands of the Savior
And rich as the mercy that flowed from His broken heart

And I can hear the wild wind howling
And I can feel it in my bones
And I know that the howling will take me home

Blessed are Those that Mourn…

 “Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
   Blessed are those that Mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5

I am Blessed!! I am Broken. Shattered. Crushed.. I am, even now, in mourning.
How do I write about that which is inside of me? How do I put words in such an order as to give meaning and definition of the thoughts and feelings inside of me?
   “That which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes; that which we contemplated, and our hands handled, concerning the word of life;” I John 1:1
This week I have seen with my eyes, touched with my hands, and contemplated with my heart and mind, the sacred, Lives, the souls of those around us. The Youth.
I am ruined for any earthly pleasure.
How can I seek anything but the Lost? How can I pursue anything other than the broken hearted?
   The priests are in mourning, those who minister before the Lord.” – Joel 1:9
      I am in mourning.  The lies of the Enemy, the Devil, have ensnared, trapped, and held captive our true self. Our kids have become the sum of all the lies, not knowing, understanding, or comprehending the truth. For only in Truth will they be set free. You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.. For He who the Son sets free is Free Indeed!  For He is the Way, The Truth and the Life..

They, like us, know about the Son, but not fully knowing the Son. Know some truth, but not knowing The Truth.  I, like Paul, Pray! Scream! I cry out, “For this reason, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which He has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His Power toward us who believe.”

I am ruined.  I cannot live life as normal. I cannot walk around this world as a tourist, gazing upon the people as if some object or thing. I must cast off the cares that so easily entangle and run, Not Walk, to that Heavenly calling.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ I have suffered loss, yet with the loss of so much, I have gained something else, A Heart of Flesh. The ability to mourn with those that Mourn. Weep with those that Weep. To be broken with the things that have broken so many lives.  “I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”
    My heart is responsive. I am in Mourning.
I am bruised and battered. Being touched with the afflictions of those whom God has put around me. They are Prisoners. Lost and Lonely. Sitting in Darkness, groping for a light switch. Stumbling! Staggering. Some sit in solitary confinement. Other in large holding cells. They are bound by great chains of lies that strap them to the cells of despair. The Gate of Hopelessness has been shut and locked to keep them in. They have fed on the bread of Confusion mixed with the seasonings of shame, doubt and regret.  They have drank from the cup of Self-hatred far to long. Blinded by Condemnation. Burdened with Blame. Many, despised and rejected, have stop looking for the light and have embraced the chains with their coldness. They have become dry bones held together by skin. A Mere hull of what God intended.
    I say No More! No More Lies! No More! No More Condemnation. I call forth the Spirit of God to breath Life in to these dry, dead bones. That they will arise. We call forth the Spirit of God to remove the stone of Lazarus’ tomb and untie the body that is dead in sin, to come out of the Grave of Despair, to Walk in Newness of Life. This one thing, This I know. It is for this purpose I count all things loss.

 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.”

We can no longer just shout at the Valley of Dry Bones and tell them to change. We can not be just another voice in the darkness yelling down into the pit, “Come up here!” We must go there. We must be among them. We must walk about them, breathing the breath of life over them.
I feel strongly that to minister to the hearts and souls of those bound we must go about as those “Afflicted and oppressed” as Jesus, being “Moved with compassion.”  Touched with the feelings of our infirmities.”  He didn’t sit still. He Moved. He walked thru the highways and byways. He went to the captives. Captives can’t come to us. They are bound. They are trapped. We must set them free. We have to untie them from the Lies with the words of truth.
May we get the vision of Isaiah, “Who will Go for us? Whom Shall I send?”
This is not an easy road.  This is against everything our flesh wants. This is taking up a Cross.. Paul writes, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4.
    How have we missed this? How is this so strange to us?  To minister is to be touched with the broken. To see with the eyes of the Lord. For when we are broken for the lost and hurting, tears will come.

Blessed are those that Mourn.  

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.


Ever just read or heard something and a spark fires in you? A stream of thoughts that just take your mind away from that which you were reading or listening to? Or is it just me and my A. D. D.? Because it happens a lot. When I hear something motivational, emotional, or inspirational, my mind starts grabbing the things being said and storing them in such an order, as a bird collects the bits of earth and stuff, to build it’s nest.  So my mind snatches a twig, a string, a phrase, a word. It forms a thought, an Idea. As more stuff of Earth is collected, a nest, (thought) is completed.
My nest is not complete. I am, and forever will be, collecting. My mind fills with an array of topics and my fingers seem to not find the keys fast enough. I have learned that there is more, deep within, if I have the courage to bring them out.  This is where Inspiration comes. It seems to bring to life, Awaken, that which is dead or asleep.
Inspiration by definition is “the Breathe of God”. He breathed into man and gave him Life. Genesis 2:7 then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.
Now, He breathes into us and we are awakened from our deep sleep. His Breath comes to us as The Spoken Word. “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every Word that comes from the mouth of God.” “The Word became Flesh and dwelt among them.” I have been awakened.
Where does this Breathe come from? How does the Word dwell among us? From various sources: Books. Videos. Blogs. But the last 5 months my Church Family.  I can name each person and what they have breathed of God in me. Their Actions. Their Encouragement. Their Love!!.. I am Inspired. Awakened.
For the first time in my life I am, “surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith.” Not that I haven’t been running this race already.  I have. But being surrounded by like minded witnesses, it is now easier to “run with Endurance the Race God has set before us.”
    Maybe its my ADD, but maybe, just maybe it’s the Spirit of God. Living. Active. 
Maybe its not just me. Just maybe it’s the Breath of God, the wind of His lungs?
     “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” John 3:8
    I don’t know where I am going. I am not there. I don’t know who will go with me, but I know Whom I have believed.  For all those who follow my blog. For all those who are apart of My Life. My Church Family. My Extended Family. The words you speak, “they are spirit and they are life.” You have breathed the Breath of God.  So please, Take Deeper Breaths. Draw in More air, so that you can exhale in Word and Deed. “And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

  I am Inspired!

Building a Nest. I am Inspired

2 People No Faces

I am Looking at picture a youth drew for me to write about. Something that was on her heart to share, first with me, then for all. I am honored. So I look, not glancing, but staring. What is it?  What do I see? What do I Not See?
At first glance I see: Bibles. Pens. A note pad. Coffee.  (Bible Study!)
What do I not see? A church Building. A Formal Structure of Biblical Learning. Yet Bibles and notebook are present.
Second Glance.. Two People. No crowds. Two people, No faces. Why? The faces are irrelevant. Could be anyone. It’s not the who, but the what we are to grasp. (The Who will come later.)
The What.. What are they doing? What is the Purpose? What is the Subject?
The doing. Studying the scriptures. Talking. Sounding out that which is resonating from their souls.  Sharing, of what has been brought to bare in the Light of Truth, The Word of God.
The purpose.  As Iron sharpens Iron so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17  To “Study to show thyself approved.” KJV. Another translations says “Carefully study to present thyself approved unto God, rightly handling the word of truth,” 2 Timothy 2:15.  Or even, “And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also”.
   We are to study. We are to Learn. But we are also to teach and pour into another, who will in turn do the same. (Gender is not the issue.) Our first failure is, we do not study as we should. Secondly, we do not teach or pour into another. The why, as in why we don’t, is that it would require more of me. More time. More studying. More effort, and isn’t that the job of the Professionals? The Pastor. The Sunday School Teachers? The Youth Director?
Act 2:42, 46 & 47 “And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved”
How does Iron sharpen Iron? How do you sharpen a knife? Do you throw it in a drawer, or box, with other knives and shake it as hard as you can? No, it is sharpened by the purposeful intent of one being taken at a time. Looking at each, what needs to be done, the rubbing of that one blade across the stone, or file. Sometimes big swipes, but mainly short strokes to hone. To finely tune. To make Razor Sharp, for the purpose of the Master to use.
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.”  So we Study this sword. Learn to handle it accurately, rightly. One on One.  “From House to House.”

“For as the Father has sent Me, So I send you.”
This is the Great commission to go and make disciples. The commission of Christ is for all to follow Him. To do what He did. To teach, Disciple, and to Go. As Paul told the church in Ephesians 4: 12-13 we are “ to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God,”

Looking at the picture what do you see?   Yourself?
Two people. No Faces.

Dedicated to Ashlyn Fowler

Nothing is Beyond You

Why do I write? Why is it that I have so many thoughts going thru my head at once?  I have these random thoughts of various topics spinning through my mind all the time; it’s like a kaleidoscope shifting and changing with each turn, making a new picture, each as beautiful as the last, yet different.
What I cannot get out of my mind right now is Psalms 42:7 “Deep calls out to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.”
     What is it that keeps beckoning me? Deep in me there is a sound, a call, a roar of the waterfall of God’s Spirit. It just keeps rolling, In Me. Thru me. And my words fall short of the magnificent sound of His roar, and the feeling of the current and power of His waves.  But to describe what I feel is impossible. It is very Emotional…
What keeps echoing in my mind and reverbing in my heart is a Song. Why a song?  As one has said, “This is why the world needs artists. They can express the un-expressible”.  A song that has done this for me is One of the last songs Rich Mullins wrote, Nothing is Beyond You.

“You stand beyond the reach Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold YouAnd deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
Death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You

It is in this that I find some solace. Because even in my writings, I know He still Stands beyond the Reach of my Vain imaginations. What my mind conceives, what my heart says, He is still Greater than the sum of them all.  If “The Heavens Stretch to hold You,” what hope do I have for my words to convey YOU? How can I describe that which Time cannot contain? And how do I explain the way YOU came to love me? It is with the Psalmist I cry out, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight.”
It is here that I find myself, like the ship, marooned on the beach of life. Anchored to what time has given me. Confined to what flesh and bone will allow. My ship sits on dry land. Waiting for that surge of deep to come over me once again; The tide of Your Spirit to flood my soul and launch me out to were I was made to sail. The ship wasn’t made to sit on dry land. The Anchor wasn’t to keep it at bay. This ship was made to set sail, to go out and fish.
The dry land is safe. But the rocks and sand grind at the wood, marking it, weakening it. And what seems to be safe, now cuts at the core of what makes it float. This season of dryness is hard. It’s lonely. Every now and then a soul will come journey aboard, walk around. Or, Some kids will play and pretend to be on a great adventure. Meanwhile the Deep cries out to deep. The roar of the waves in the distance, crashing about, reminds me of what I should be. What I was Created for.
This Vessel was made fit for the Masters use. It was made to Carry Cargo and Crew, to fulfill a job. The dry land leaves me weathered and cracked. I am beached, “But Nothing is Beyond You.”